Make the Aztec Underworld Great Again
Developing news story: Somewhere beneath Mexico City.
“Hell is right next door,” said Richard Mictlāntēcutli, Chief Commissioner for the Aztec Underworld, “and it’s filled to the gills.” Mr. Mictlāntēcutli turned and pointed to a spot across a river engulfed in fire. “Every day we get more souls making a break for our border.”
The Commissioner, or Dark Lord as he is known by his staff, said that some of the Aztec dead are demanding that he commission a wall to keep the illegal migrants from Hell out.
“You know, a big one,” he said, “and make Hell pay for it.”
After a few studies, however, the Underworld Commissioners thought that there were a lot of jobs that they all hated doing.
“Like sweeping up shattered hopes and dreams or shoveling guts,” said the Dark Lord. “I got some Unrequited Love splashed on my robe a couple weeks ago. You wouldn’t believe how much elbow grease it takes to get that stuff out.”
The Dark Lord admitted that at first, finding menial tasks for the migrants was difficult. “Take your typical MAGA politician,” he said. “They got zero skills once they’re out of their district. And there’s so many on the way that there’ll be no space for ’em when they finally arrive.”
When asked if the uptick in evil souls might be straining Hell’s budget, the Dark Lord replied. “Hell, no. They love it. Hell is swimming in revenue. What they can’t spend on pain and suffering they pump back into President Trump’s re-election campaign.”
The Dark Lord also admitted that the constant stream of news from Above spelled another problem for the Aztec Underworld.
“After watching Trump, people think they can get away with anything. It used to be that we were a launching point for traveling to the Ninth Level – you know, the Promised Land. It used to take about four years but now that’s up to six and you can barely walk across a field of flying knives without getting your head cut off. Try journeying to Nirvana without a head. It’s pretty tough, I know that first hand.”
The Dark Lord ducked as a knife spun past his ear.
“See?” he remarked. “None of us believes that Hell can sustain that kind of growth,” he added. “All they do is buy stuff – they rack up debt, puttin’ up Deeds as collateral.” The Dark Lord continued that without a balanced budget, impulsive tax cuts always boomerang back at some point. “And talk about a bad investment, when the Devil finally comes due for Trump, their whole system’ll collapse like a Mayan pyramid scheme and they’ll be looking for us to bail ’em out.”
When asked if there was any serious friction between the two underworlds, the Dark Lord said, “We’d like it if they kept to themselves, they’re not such a good influence on the young people, if you know what I mean. I guess I’m sayin’ they could put some clothes on.”
When asked about the status of women in Hell, the Dark Lord remarked, “My wife says there’s a special place over there for MAGA ladies, but I can’t see it from here.”